Martha’s Time of the Month

My New Year’s resolutions are to find yoga pants that don’t give me camel toe (I will discuss this resolution in a future post) and to get organized.

In an attempt to become more organized, I decided to turn to Martha Stewart’s monthly calendar (gentle reminders, helpful tips and important dates for January) as my guide.

Note: Martha Stewart’s suggestions are in bold.

JANUARY 2
Take down Christmas tree
Store ornaments and other decorations

Take entire decorated Christmas and chuck it out the front door.
Screw the ornaments and other decorations.
Send husband to the store for tampons and chocolate.
Berate husband for buying Peanut M&M’s instead of Peanut Butter M&M’s.
Collapse onto the couch and watch a marathon of Dance Moms reruns.
Eat entire 12 oz bag of Peanut M&M’s.
Drive to the store for more M&M’s.
Troll the neighborhood for discarded Christmas trees for upcoming blog post: “101 Uses For a Dead Christmas Tree.”

JANUARY 3
Place Christmas tree boughs over perennial beds in a crisscross pattern as mulch

Decide to change upcoming blog post to: “1 Use For a Dead Christmas Tree.”
Place pilfered Christmas trees in a crisscross heap next to the garage.a


JANUARY 4
Launder holiday table linens

Launder holiday lingerie.

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JANUARY 5

Dismantle wreaths and garlands
Mulch greenery and add to compost pile

Dismantle dryer sheet wreath and donate remnants to daughter’s 5th grade class to use for wiping their noses and their slates.
Bend wire hanger used for wreath back into shape and add to closet. a


JANUARY 6

Write thank-you notes for holiday gifts
Upload and organize holiday photos

Write a mass thank-you e-mail using only holiday emoticons.
Discover that the only holiday photos you took were of the toilet coffee mug.
Buy holiday frames on clearance. Remove the photos that came with the frames and add them to the family scrapbook.

Please check back in 28 days for the next installment of Martha’s Time of the Month.

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One Response to Martha’s Time of the Month

  1. kristen johson says:

    funny stuff.

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